Paralyzing Self Doubt
by lefty21
Summary: Companion to In The Absence of Desperate Circumstances. Even the best relationships have to face some insecurities sometimes. Seth finally shares some of his after a slip of the tongue by Summer.


This is a followup to _In the Absence of Desperate Circumstance_, but it's not entirely necessary that you've read it, though it may be helpful. Basically the last one was about Seth proving to Summer that he was committed and this one's about Summer proving to him that she's really happy with the decision she made.

-------------------------------

Summer shivered as she pressed herself further into Seth's embrace in an attempt to escape from the cutting wind.

It was a cool night, typical of Southern California in midsummer. Days that made you feel like you were baking and nights so brisk they could make your teeth chatter.

There were a few scattered clouds and the dull shine of the full moon was making them glow against the dark sky. It was nearing midnight and the beach was empty of the usual sunbathers and tourists that it crawled with during the warm days.

The only activity the beach had seen in an hour had been the two teenagers sneaking away from the pretentious gathering hosted at the Newport Yacht Club about a half mile down the stretch of coast. They had taken refuge at a lifeguard stand sitting in solitude against the dark backdrop of the ocean. The only noises were the breaking of shallow waves on the shore and the distant buzz of traffic.

Seth had offered her his jacket as soon as they'd made their escape from the confines of the club and she had gratefully accepted, but it was the kind of cool night where the wind sliced right through any layers, so his chivalrous effort had been in vain. His arms were definitely helping to ward off the icy breeze though, so she had found herself continuously trying to burrow deeper into them ever since they'd settled at the stand.

The cold didn't seem to really be affecting Seth much, as he had found a distraction in running his warm lips over the cool skin of her neck and jaw while his hands smoothed repeatedly over her bare thighs, up and under the hem of her dress then down again, doing their best to heat the chilled skin.

The silence that had fallen over them since their arrival at the deserted spot had been welcome and comforting. They both liked to do their fair share of talking, but the quiet was nice every once in awhile. It gave them time to reflect, and it was a testament to their relationship that they, two people who depended on mindless chatter so much to remove focus from more serious issues, could sit in silence for so long without the slightest desire to interrupt the tranquil peace with words.

When Seth sensed the gazillionth shiver run through her body though, he spoke up. "Maybe we should have made our escape in a warmer place," he whispered against the side of her head.

The sudden sound of his voice mixed with the warm breath caressing her sensitive skin shocked her and she jolted a little before relaxing back against his chest. "Why, Cohen?" she smirked, "can't take the cold?"

"No. But seeing as how the endless shivers running through you suggest that _you_ can't take the cold, despite having commandeered my coat earlier, maybe we should go back. It's late enough, I'm sure your dad won't make us stay. We can go back to my place. You know my dad won't mind if you stay over."

"But I like it here," she protested halfheartedly. "It's peaceful. And Coop and Ryan are at your house. If they hear us come in they're gonna ask how the benefit was, and then that'll lead to Marissa asking if people were still talking about them, and I'm not gonna lie, so I'll have to tell her that I may have heard a few of the catty Newpsies still gossiping about the shooting when Julie wasn't around to glare at them, and that'll just result in another night spent worrying about the future, and 'whether or not Trey's gonna wake up', and 'how are we ever gonna get through this?'" she whined.

"Wow, bitter much?"

She sucked on her teeth before sighing and nudging her head against Seth's chin. "You know what I mean. I'm not bitter, and you know I'm happy to be there for her when she needs me, but every once in awhile it's nice to not be surrounded by the drama, you know? I mean, they're our best friends, and I have all kinds of empathy for them, but does that really mean we should have to spend our entire summer being miserable too?"

"No," Seth answered simply but decidedly, shaking his head. He spent a moment pondering something in his head before adding, "But if we're not in the wrong for wanting some peace, why are we condemned out here to the cold just so we can have some time alone?"

She sighed again and leaned her head back against his shoulder. "Because we are just so giving we'd rather sit out here and freeze rather than risk the chance of snapping at our friends to stop brooding and being so damned depressing."

"You know you're like the queen of passive-aggressive right now, right?"

"Whatever."

"Well can we at least go sit in your car where it's not so cold? Your legs are freezing; they have goosebumps all over them."

"Or you could just be a gentleman and offer me your pants."

"Oh, is that the new protocol for dating? If the jacket's not enough the guy should just hand over his pants?" he asked incredulously.

"Mm, hm," she responded seriously as she fiddled with their clasped fingers, and Seth's head bobbed up and down with hers as she nodded.

"Well, in that case, who am I to deny the rules; you can go right ahead and have my pants… just as long as you take them off," he dared her, whispering the last part in a gruff whisper above her ear.

"Don't even think I won't do it," she responded smoothly, not allowing herself to be affected for even a second and gratify him. "And you know I'll do it without ever getting anywhere close to whatever fantasy's running through your head right now, and then you'll just be left in the cold with nothing but your boxers and shirt."

"Or…" Seth started casually, but his hands were snaking up her sides quickly, "I could just do this…"

Summer shrieked as he began an assault on her ticklish sides, massaging his fingers swiftly over her ribs and making her squirm to get out of his grasp.

"Cohen, stop!"

"What?" he asked innocently as he continued. "Moving around'll warm you up, and that way we'll both be warm and I'll get to keep my pants."

He continued for several more seconds, doing nothing to hide the fact that he was greatly enjoying her wiggling around on his lap. He stopped abruptly, though, when she jerked a little too hard to escape his lithe fingers and her head slammed back into his nose.

Summer cringed when she felt the contact. She immediately stopped squirming as she heard a pained groan escape his mouth and reverberate against the skin of her neck.

"Ooh, Seth…" she cooed softly, turning in his lap so that she was straddling his thighs and facing him. "Are you okay?" She cupped his cheeks as she studied over his face with concern.

Seth only shrugged and moaned again, bringing a hand up to nurse his injured nose only to have it swatted away by her.

"No, don't touch!" she ordered firmly, leaning forward to inspect the damage more closely. "I don't want you hurting it more if it's broken."

He jerked his head away and his eyes widened. "What?! Broken! Does it look broken?"

She shook her head, "No, I don't think so. It's just a little bruised at the top," she finally disclosed, brushing her fingertips softly over the top of the bridge to indicate exactly where she meant.

"You're sure it's not broken?" he asked again, his voice low and pouting like a little boy.

"I'm pretty sure," she leaned forward and kissed his forehead then pulled back and offered a sympathetic smile. "We can have my dad look at it if you want."

He immediately shook his head. "No, thank you. I'd rather look like Owen Wilson."

She grinned before leaning forward again, this time letting her lips brush softly across the tip of his nose. "Did that hurt?" she asked when she pulled back.

He allowed the slightest hint of a smile to spread across his lips before he shook his head no.

She smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry I hit you."

He shrugged as his grin grew a little wider. "It's fine. I should have known better than to tickle you anyway."

She grinned and nodded. "Does it still hurt?" she asked after a minute.

"Well the cold doesn't exactly help…"

Her eyes rolled at his not-so-subtle suggestion. "Alright…" she sighed exasperatedly, "well go sit in the car."

"Well if you really want to," he shrugged indifferently as he stood and pulled her up beside him.

He grasped her hand and rubbed it between his two to warm it as they began a languid walk back towards the Yacht Club.

"So…" he started after a few minutes when he'd grown bored with the silence. "Next week…" he broached the subject casually.

A slow smirk crept over her lips until she was grinning. She pressed herself further into his side but didn't look up at his wondering eyes. "What about it?" she asked coyly.

"You know 'what about it'," he wrapped a hand around her waist and squeezed her side gently.

"Of course I know 'what about it'," she smirked impishly before leaning in closer to place a demure kiss against his jaw. "I was asking what you were planning on _doing_ about it."

"_Ohhhh_," he drawled out dramatically. "Is that what you were doing?"

"Uh huh," she eyed him expectantly, "just cut the act and tell me what we're doing."

"Wow. Demanding much?" he observed. At her insistent glare he continued, "How do you know I planned anything at all? It's only 17. There are much more important birthdays."

"Because… I know that you know me well enough to know that if you _didn't_ plan anything you'll be going through senior year single and alone."

Seth gulped dramatically before giving in rather quickly. "Well that's a pretty good assumption."

"Yes," she agreed airily. "My powers of deduction amaze even myself."

"Well I bet your powers of deduction won't be able to figure out what we're doing," he challenged, raising his eyes smugly at her.

"No," Summer shrugged dismissively. "I have other ways of getting that out of you."

A scandalous gasp escaped his lips. "I do believe you're suggesting that you can just use your womanly wiles on me and I'll spill like a bumbling idiot."

"I can, can't I?"

"Well, yeah, obviously."

"So why don't you just save me the trouble and tell me?"

"Because…" he replied with a shrug, "I rather enjoy when you use your womanly wiles on me."

Normally all thoughts of humoring him would be dismissed immediately in favor of just badgering him incessantly until he caved, but tonight he was being especially endearing; plus, she was cold, so she wouldn't particularly mind having to cozy up to his warm body.

So her steps halted completely as she leaned into him and allowed her free hand to crawl deliberately up his chest. When she reached his neck she slid her fingers over the skin slowly, her nails grazing the cool expanse and tickling the sensitive area, sending shivers down his spine. She gazed innocently up at him, but her glimmering eyes betrayed her true intentions and he knew what she was capable of doing to him. Cool fingers brushed over his ear before he felt her scratching gently behind it, making him feel, not for the first time in their relationship, like a dog at the mercy of his master. She could make him feel so good, but at the same time she could stop any minute and leave him whimpering and begging for just a little bit more.

When she pressed herself flush up against him and slid her warm lips up to the cold skin just below his other ear he inwardly groaned, ready to divulge any and all information if it meant she would keep doing that.

"Seth…" her hot breath grazed his ear as she whispered, "Tell me what we're doing for my birthday."

He groaned and let his forehead fall against her shoulder. He gave in and his admission came out muffled against her neck, "Shopping in LA; then dinner; then I got us a suite at the Four Seasons to stay the night… all courtesy of my mom's very generous credit card, of course," he added, knowing she wouldn't believe that he could afford all that.

Summer pulled back, eyes wide and disbelieving but still gleaming with excitement. "Are you serious?! All that? And your mom's paying for it?"

"Well, she got a discount at the hotel – the Newport Group built one of the owner's McMansion. Plus, she placed some limits on the shopping," he shrugged, blushing and trying to downplay it.

"So what?! It sounds incredible. I can't believe your doing all that."

The sand being dusted over his dress shoes by the breeze suddenly became much more interesting and he diverted his gaze there as he scratched awkwardly at the back of his neck. "Well, I missed last birthday, so I figured I wanted to make up for it."

Summer could sense his mood shifting and she wanted more than anything to avoid having to recall her miserable and lonely 16th birthday experience, so she did the only thing she could and brought his lips to hers, kissing him soundly so that all thoughts of past mistakes and indiscretions fell from both of their minds.

"So I take it you like the idea," Seth breathed when she finally pulled back.

"It sounds promising," she shrugged disinterestedly.

"Yeah, well, you know," he played along, "it's just something I threw together at the last minute."

She nodded. "I figured." Then a slow smile crept onto her face as she leaned forward and kissed him again.

She fingered the collar of his shirt temptingly as she pulled back, releasing a shallow breath against his lips. "You know… my dad'll probably get back pretty late tonight, and he never even checks on me anyway…"

"And you don't want to be lonely in that big house all night…" he suggested for her, brushing his fingertips down her neck and over her collarbone, eyes focused on her chest rising and falling in perfect rhythm.

"Mm, mm," she confirmed with a slight shake of her head as her eyes made contact with his rapidly darkening ones.

"And _I _certainly don't want you to be lonely…"

"Of course not," her voice replied innocently, but her eyes were raking subtly over his body, her tongue peeking slightly between her full and perfectly glossed lips.

"Right…" he breathed, then nodded, letting his eyes do their own wandering, his memory filling in the areas that his coat and her dress were keeping hidden. "So, uh…" he leaned forward and his voice was throaty and heavy in her ear, "Why don't we walk a little faster to your car."

---------------------------------------

Summer groaned contentedly as Seth's nimble fingers massaged over the knots in her back. She was convinced there was no better foreplay in the world than a full body massage; a fully body massage from Seth, that is. She wasn't so sure how she would feel about a giant East German woman named Helga giving her a massage, but she guessed that it just wouldn't have the same effect that Seth's expert fingers running over her bare skin did.

She had been pleasantly surprised when he had been the one to suggest the idea upon arriving in her room. It was usually her begging for it and him only conceding when he knew he'd get something back from it, namely sex, which was never really a problem for Summer, because she wasn't that mean. It'd be cruel of her to ask him to rub his hands all over her and then not help him out when it backfired on his senses. So when she asked for a massage it usually meant she was expecting it to lead to sex anyway, hence why she had branded it her favorite brand of foreplay. There was nothing better than getting totally relaxed then letting Seth have his way with her to reawaken all of her senses in anyway he saw fit.

She squirmed a little just at the thoughts running through her mind before easing face first back into her pillow and releasing an encouraging moan. Seth obviously interpreted the guttural mewling right because his therapeutic ministrations continued. He was currently working his fingers down the middle of her back, kneading the area gently with his thumbs as his hands worked their way down to just above where her satin sheets lay, covering just enough of her to make Seth's mind start filling in the curves from memory.

"Mm, Cohen… You are amazing," she mumbled into the crook of her elbow where her face was currently resting.

"Well from where I'm sitting the view's pretty amazing."

"If I wasn't so relaxed right now I'd hit you. But luckily you're so good at this you could tell me you were screwing half of the cheerleading squad behind my back right now and I probably wouldn't even have a rage blackout."

"Well in that case…"

She lifted her head immediately and glared menacingly. "Don't even. I was kidding; I would kill you if you told me that."

He swallowed and looked genuinely disturbed by the threat. "I was just gonna say I think you'd look really hot in one of those outfits."

Summer rolled her eyes but smirked as she pressed her face back into her arm.

"Between Wonder Woman and Little Miss Vixen I think I've done enough dressing up for you. It's your turn."

His eyes widened a little at the suggestion but he quickly warmed to the idea.

"Well, what would you like to see? Are you thinking some Batman or maybe Spiderman? I could always do the Ironist, but that would basically just be me looking ruggedly handsome in a suite. Or I could—"

"Cohen," she tried to interject but he was already on a roll, the comic book geek in him taking over.

"And don't even think about saying Superman because you think the guy on _Smallville_ is hot; the Ironist could totally kick his ass, and we both know you think I'm _waaaay_ bet—"

"Cohen!" she interjected again, this time rising up some so that she could nudge him with her lower back which he was currently straddling, and given his current position she was bound to make contact with something that would get his attention.

Both his rambling and his massaging stopped abruptly as his eyes widened and he jerked up a little. "Whoa, Summer, watch what you're stretching against."

"I wasn't stretching; I was trying to get you to shut up."

"Mission accomplished. What?"

"We both know you are way too scrawny to fill out any of those costumes," she smirked as she lowered herself back down to the bed.

"Ha, ha. Well then what'd you have in mind?"

"Well you do always look hot in a suit, so the Ironist wouldn't be bad, but, then again, I see you in suits all the time…"

"So… what's it gonna be?"

"How 'bout a fireman."

Seth's nose crinkled and he balked. "I would suffocate—and probably collapse—under all those clothes."

"Okay, fine. What about a cop? Y'know, the big, bad enforcer of the law… could be kinky?"

"I hope you're kidding."

"No, Cohen, I really want to have you handcuff me to the bed and call me little lady." She rolled her eyes even though he couldn't actually see her face; she figured he'd know from the tone. "What about a yard guy? Marissa thought it was hot."

"Umm, I'd rather not be thinking about Marissa."

"Pool boy?"

"Wouldn't I have to be tan and speak Spanish?"

"Construction worker?"

At this suggestion Seth's faced etched with a disturbed kind of concern. "Okay, do you have a secret fetish for the Village People that I should know about before I get any more involved in this relationship?"

"Oh yeah, hairy-chested, gay men dancing the _YMCA_ on stage really do it for me."

"Okay, well do you have any serious suggestions, because the statute of limitation on my offer is about to run out if you suggest any more things like that."

"Fine," Summer huffed then feigned thinking for a minute before a smirk spread across her face. "What about a water polo player?"

Seth's movements on her back suddenly stopped as he sat back and swung his leg over so he was kneeling at her side. She immediately noticed the suddenly tense air in the room and lifted her head to stare at him curiously.

"You mean like Zach?"

Her mouth opened in an "O" shape and she immediately realized the error of her statement. Nothing like bringing up the strengths of your old boyfriend to play on the insecurities of your current boyfriend.

"No, Seth, I didn't mean it like that," she tried to explain as she brought herself into a sitting position next to him, her purple satin sheets clutched tightly to her chest.

"Like what?" he asked in a deceivingly calm voice that did little to mask his true frustration. "Like you get to choose one thing for me to dress up as to fulfill your fantasy and you choose the thing that personifies your perfect ex-boyfriend."

"Seth, I wasn't even thinking about Zach. It was just a joke because I know how much you hate them."

"You didn't think that it would be kind of in bad taste?"

"I don't even understand what the big deal is," Summer snapped, seeing Seth's reaction as a little melodramatic. "It's not like I would ever really fantasize about Zach. And what's with all the sudden insecurity? I chose you."

"There's nothing sudden about it, Sum," he sighed indignantly. "I spent six months watching you be happy with a guy who was, like, the complete opposite of me aside from some random obsession with comics, and even when we did get back together, _both times_," he added with an indignant huff, "you never really chose me."

"What are you talking about?"

"I believe, Summer, as you so delicately put it, the first time you came back to me it was because 'when Seth went to Portland, I chose Zach, and when Zach went to Italy, I chose Seth,'" he imitated her previous statement in an inaccurately high voice.

Summer averted her gaze to the ground ashamedly as the memory came back to her. "Seth,' she started softly, "I was just angry at the time. You know that's not really the reason I came back."

"And then the second time you _chose_ me," he went on, ignoring her, "you didn't really do any choosing at all. Zach and I did. You went to prom with him without a fight. I don't recall any missed calls or voicemails saying how much you wished I had been the one to pick you up. You _chose _me when Zach went running out and I came running in."

"Seth…" Summer tried to justify her actions. "You have to know that in the end I never would have chosen him over you."

"How the hell was I supposed to come to that conclusion?" he scoffed incredulously. "You avoided me for six months while you dated him and used every opportunity you had to tell me all the reasons he was so much better than me. Then, when we had the slightest bit of trouble in our relationship you went running back to him like I didn't mean anything."

"'Cause I was angry at you," she snapped back immediately, "and Zach was the quickest and easiest way to hurt you; I never actually liked him better!"

"Well it never seemed that way," he responded with less fervor, more subdued now by Summer's last outburst. "It seems like you spent all last year switching back and forth between the two of us because you couldn't choose, and I can't help thinking that when school starts again in a month and you see him again we'll be right back at square one where we were last September."

"Cohen…" she grinned sympathetically as she grasped one of his hands and scooted closer to him. "Didn't you hear anything I said to you after prom? I love you, Cohen."

He fiddled with the sheet covering Summer's lap as his lips twitched into a smile. "And you don't secretly still have feelings for Zach and want me to dress up as him to fill a void?"

"Cohen, I haven't even thought of Zach once this entire summer, and do you know why?"

He shook his head curiously.

A wide and cheesy grin spread over her features as she blushed. "Because I've been so happy hanging out with you all summer that he never even crossed my mind. Do you realize this was the first real fight we've had all summer? That's, like, a record for us."

"Hey…" a grin spread across his face as he realized this was true. "That's right," he said in disbelief. "That's amazing for us. So I guess we're in, like, a mature relationship…"

"Yeah," she beamed back, nodding. "So no more fighting over silly little insecurities and everything that happened in the past, okay?"

"So in other words, no more freaking out over random references that remind me of your ex-boyfriend."

"Right. And, on the same note," she added, almost hesitant to admit her own follies on the subject, "I can't freak out and assume that just because some other girl starts paying attention to you or flirting with you that you're going to let it go to your head and start flirting back."

"Deal," Seth added, happy to be putting a solution to the long unaddressed problem. "And, to your credit, I actually have to hold up to my end and _not_ let other girls' interest in me go to my head."

"Thank you for admitting that," Summer offered with a solemn nod but another grin was playing at her mouth because they both knew how hard actually doing that would be for him, the infamous Thanksgiving of '03, whipped cream girl and Reed all living proof of that.

He gave her a lopsided smile as he shrugged. After a moment he added, "Sorry for freaking out earlier."

"It's cool, Cohen," she replied with a dismissive headshake, not at all wanting to go back into the heavy stuff after finally escaping the tenseness. They were a couple that thrived off the lightness. They could only do so much drama at one time before it started eating them from the inside. Actually, it was relationship drama that they could only deal with so much of before they snapped. When it came to outside drama they had become quite the buddy cop duo. They played to each others strengths and weaknesses when dealing with others, and they supported the other when the negative energy of what they were dealing with outside of each other began to bear down on them.

Hence Summer really had no apprehensions about switching the topic of conversation to even heavier drama.

"I know you've probably been pretty emotional lately and you've just been trying to hold it in for the sake of everyone else, but sometimes you just need to break down every once in awhile and let yourself breathe before you go crazy."

Seth played ignorant to the claims at first, his eyes locked steadfastly on Princess Sparkle sat majestically on her nightstand, though Summer knew he was probably seeing anything but the small plastic horse.

"Cohen," she brushed her hand over his and looked at him knowingly; sympathetically. "I know you miss your mother… and your grandfather… and the Trey issue has cast a shadow over all of us."

He finally looked up at her, and while he gave no nod or other indication that he was agreeing, she saw in his eyes that he was admitting to having been feeling the burden of those things as of late.

"I cry at night sometimes when I'm alone," Summer admitted after a few moments of reflective silence, hoping it would encourage him to open up.

"About what's happening to Marissa?" he assumed out loud as he wondered, only half expecting an answer from her.

She nodded. "But also about other things. I cry for you a lot," she admitted embarrassedly, but before Seth could inquire as to why she shushed him with a finger to his mouth. "You lost your grandfather and your mother within days of each other, and even though she's coming back, I'm sure it doesn't feel like that right now. And everything at your house is turned upside down, with your dad worrying so much about your mom and Ryan, and the police coming by all the time now to ask questions. Everything changed for you so quickly and I guess I just feel bad for you… Empathy or something…" she struggled at the end to find the right words to describe her own recent emotional state.

Seth just sighed and stared into her fragile and glassy eyes for a moment before wrapping his arms around her middle and pulling her into his lap. He pressed his face next to hers and whispered into her ear, "You shouldn't cry alone…"

"You shouldn't not cry at all when so much stuff has happened," she countered softly into his neck.

"I've got you to cry for me," he offered with a soft smile against her hair, though she knew he didn't mean it in a sarcastic or mocking way. "Besides, I think so much about so many things that I never think long enough about one thing for it to make me cry."

"Okay, what?" Summer sniffled as she pulled back far enough to look at him quizzically, his rambling having lost her.

"Nothing," Seth chuckled softly and shook his head slightly as he leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on her nose.

She smiled and returned the gesture by leaning forward and kissing him soundly on the mouth for a few seconds. When she pulled away her grin was a little wider. "You know, kissing is so much better than crying… We should just do that all the time."

"We already do it a lot," he replied, smirking teasingly. "If we do it anymore we might not have any time for all that awesome bantering that we're so good at."

"Good point. But…" Summer added thoughtfully, "I think we've bantered enough for tonight."

"Another very valid point," he added approvingly with a nod.

"Which means we could spend the rest of tonight kissing without any threat to our bantering status," she posed seriously.

"Well how can I argue with that logic," Seth smiled as their lips finally met again.

-------------------

Thanks for reading and please leave a review. It is quite discouraging when writers don't think people are enjoying all their hard work.


End file.
